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The Blob Remake WILL Suck…

but not for the usual reasons.  It really is easy to take aim at remakes and just shoot them down because they can’t live up to the source material.  Sometimes, though, a film is ripe for a remake.  I tend to feel this way about The Blob.  I think properly done, it could make for a fun movie that has great kills and can be campy without losing its credibility.  However, if we’re to believe the Variety article, Rob Zombie isn’t looking to go that direction.

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I don’t even necessarily have a problem with Zombie doing a take on The Blob.  I have a problem with him saying, “My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change…That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950’s, but people would laugh now.”  To me, this is about the same as making a Street Fighter movie without a street fight.  If you can’t work remotely within the confines of the original story, then don’t make the movie.

To me, it seems that Zombie wants to make a monster movie, but have a name that people will recognize and go see.  I think that if he isn’t going to make something even THAT basically related to the previous two films of the same name, then he should go make his monster movie that he wants.  To say that it’s impossible to take the creature from the previous films is essentially to chicken out.  That’s right, I’m saying it here and now.  I think that a talented filmmaker would find a way to make that “Jello-looking thing” scary.  Put in the right hands, ANYTHING can be scary.  If Guillermo del Toro or John Carpenter wanted to set out to make a truly scary The Blob, I have no doubt that they’d find a way to do it.

It’s at this point that I think it’s very important to make a point.  I’m not calling out Rob Zombie because I don’t like his films.  I’ve just come to the conclusion that they’re not for me.  Halloween remake not withstanding, I stay away from Zombie’s movies just because I don’t enjoy them.  I frankly don’t see the point in going to see films that I’m as predisposed to dislike as I am with Zombie’s films.  There’s no denying that the guy knows how to shoot a movie, but they’re just not for me.  I’m all about people loving movies.  If people love a kind of movie I don’t like, I’m perfectly happy to live and let live.

I would call out any director who said that they were making such a radical departure from the basic premise.  I would say the exact same thing about Carpenter, David Fincher, Darren Aronofsky or any of the other directors I love.  I don’t even necessarily mind if someone wants to take The Blob into more of a straight horror vein, but there’s no point in calling it The Blob if there’s no Blob to be seen.

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By Dave Minkus

Dave is located in Denver, CO and can also be found occasionally sullying various podcasts who don't know better than to invite him on. He also works with the team behind the Reel Heroes Filmmaker Series at Denver Comic Con.

4 replies on “The Blob Remake WILL Suck…”

It’s going to be Sherri Moon Zombie, Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Ken Foree and John Forsythe as hillbillies yelling “FUCKING JELLY BITCH SHIT CUNT GOT IN MAH GOTDAMN ASSHOLE FUCKSAUCE”.

A “The Blob” with no oozing slime thing? How can he call it “The Bl…”
Oh God…Oh..I just threw up a little bit in my mouth…I just had the image of Morgan Spurlock in a fat suit running after poor townspeople….

I’ve yet to be impressed with a Rob Zombie flick and I do wonder what he is doing with The Blob. The 88 remake was a decent little flick with some nice jump moments.

Wait… Zombie doesn’t think the Jello would scare people but he says in the same article he wants to move away from horror and this is Sci Fi.

Make up your mind dude… no… go make music

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